V-Rasak Pitaktrairong – Letter To My Closet

V-Rasak Pitaktrairong from Thailand, pens a letter to his closeted self, expressing a lifelong regret of ending a friendship due to the fear of being labelled as a homosexual

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Closeted FB Cover V

Dear 13-year old V,

This is future V talking to you.

As I sit on the couch in my place thinking about what I want to tell you, I keep going back to a friend from our childhood. I want to tell you about a ‘different’ friend from cram school that you will meet.

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Me when I was a teenager.

I was so young back then. I didn’t even know the meaning of the term ‘gay’. I only build innocent relationships with friends from different schools.

There was one friend I know from tutorial school that was quite strange to me. His actions were not like other boys, he was quite sissy. He started speaking to me first, and we started to get to know each other. As we meet every day, we both became very close. His father knew my mother. We would ride bicycles together. I liked to eat dinner at his family home, as his mother makes better dinners than my mother. Whenever I was late for class, he would use his bag to save me a seat. The two of us became very close friends.

But I know that the other boys at his school tend not to play with him. Even at the cram school that we both go to, he doesn’t have many friends apart from me.

One day, a kid from his school came to study at the cram school that we went to. That kid saw that me and him were very close. He asked me, ‘Do you want to be a homo?’ I was so confused. I didn’t know what homo meant. But I knew it was a bad thing.

I admit, at that time, I was very angry. Angry that he is not manly and that his habits are not like a boy. After that day, I didn’t talk to him. When he put his bag on the chair to wait for me to sit with him, I ignored him and went to sit somewhere else. I was less talkative with him after that day. The two of us stopped being friends again.

I remember the look on his face. He looked guilty, like it was his fault that I didn’t want to be friends with him.

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31-year old me.

Today, I’m 31-years old. I still think about my childhood memories.

Seeing as we spent quite a long time together, I still think of him. Can you believe it? I still remember his nickname. I still remember how he looked like. But I don’t know how he looks like now. I don’t know if he can recognise me now. I don’t know if he was actually gay. But I know that I am.

So I am writing this letter to let him know that I still miss him. I want to let him know that I am still waiting for him to become my adult friend again. I blame myself for making the wrong decision back then. I blame myself for losing a friend because of the word ‘homo’.

So dear 13-year old V, I want to tell you that you don’t need to lose a good friend because of what other people say or think. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

DSP Author V
Written by V-Rasak Pitaktrairong: @vve.s

Read other letters from Thais here:

Art Chaturongkul – Letter To My Closet

Por Surayot – Letter To My Closet

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