Looking back to your childhood; you like to play with dolls and robots. You love to wear high heels, but you also like to draw a moustache with an eyebrow pencil. You have imagined your body to walk like a model with long hair, but sometimes you like to have muscle on stage.
People point their finger to your face and say that you are weird. That you must be a tomboy and not normal. That you can’t have kids and won’t have a perfect life or family. Because your gender and your expression are not like normal girls.
You like to play sport and arcade games so, people categorize you into Gender Tom (Butch Lesbian), you did not feel comfortable with this style. You started to leave your hair longer to show that you are more feminine. People keep questioning “What is your gender? Are you changing your mind?” You have no answer then they said, “You are Earthworm” and they make a joke about earthworms as they have two genders. You cannot explain your gender and your expression, so you just keep smiling like nothing happened but you feel empty inside.
You know that sometimes you don’t want to be a boy and sometimes you don’t want to be a girl. Some groups banned you because your expression does not match with them.
When feminine people like to date with you, they expect to see your masculine part.
When masculine people like to date with you, they expect to see your feminine part.
You always hear people say “You are more masculine than you need to be” or “You are more feminine than you need to be.”
You were stuck in the middle and people keep trying to make you choose one gender. You tried to be someone like they expect. People are happy to see what they expect but you end up torturing yourself every day. You have a problem with your emotions because you are trying to keep everything inside. You are trying to be someone… Someone who is not you. Someone for them. You check yourself every day “Am I a person that they expect? Do I look masculine enough? Do I look feminine enough? ”
When you visit the doctor, this would change your life forever. The doctor will ask you to be the person that you are. The doctor will say to you:
“Hormones do not equate to gender. You can have HRT without any surgery. You don’t have to choose any gender if you don’t want to choose. You can be 50% male or xx% if you want to”
You would become confused at first.
But you would find your answer on Social Media with the question, “Can someone be both genders?”
That is when you will find people like you. Not just one, two, or three, but a lot more!
There are groups and communities like you. You are not alone!
I love to let you know that you don’t have to hide yourself. You don’t have to follow what people need you to be. This is the way that you are and I’m so proud of you. There are many people out there who will understand you.
Even though you will still face people who don’t understand you, people who don’t understand what being ‘Non-Binary’ and ‘Gender Fluid’ is. Please stay strong. There will always be people who support you
Read other letters from Thais here:
Art Chaturongkul – Letter To My Closet
Por Surayot – Letter To My Closet
V-Rasak Pitaktrairong – Letter To My Closet
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