Dear Closeted Self,
I know you don’t feel proud of yourself and even hate to tell the world your truth.
Life has taught you many lessons on why being gay is wrong. First lesson was from primary school, when you felt so comfortable hanging out with girl classmates. Your innocence felt that it’s ok. But the world judged you for it.
Straight boys started bullying you and it became your greatest fear at that time. The fear that made you unable to accept the truth at that point. You thought you would leave everything behind and start a new life in high school, but one of those straight boys followed you to the same school and the bullying never stopped. You cried and ran to mom. She brought you to see a psychiatrist. After a long conversation with the doctor, you insisted that you were not gay during the treatment process.
You would continue rejecting the truth from yourself
After that incident, you felt your secret needed to be kept somewhere you cannot find. Even deep inside your mind, you would hide your secret by hanging out with boys, doing everything that straight people do. You name it, I did it.
But I’m here to tell you as an openly gay man, that life will eventually teach you very different lessons. Lessons that showed not only will you no longer be ashamed of your ‘secret’, you will go on to live a much happier life than before.
Years would pass and the country would have come a long way in accepting the LGBT community. LGBT people in this country would feel more welcomed (at some points) but it will not always be a smooth journey. For example, when you come out after finishing college. The moment when you tell your close friend that you are gay will be quite depressing and not go so well. But those feelings you have are the most most genuine and that is the biggest lesson you will learn for yourself. The lesson to accept your truth. The truth that you kept for almost 10 years will eventually see the light and you will finally be free to live your life.
Living that truth will unlock many possibilities in life. After I reveal it to friends, colleagues and family, I learnt that the secret of being successful comes from confidence and that confidence only happens when you really accept who you are and never lie to yourself. Once that happens, you never need to hide at work. I developed sincere connections with my colleagues and started creating real friendships. Not needing to hide at home also made conversations at the dining table seem more enjoyable.
But that’s not all that awaits you. You will one day get to live and work in Singapore, where you will meet many other like minded gay friends. You will attend big gay parties in cities all over the world, and make friends from everywhere. You will also one day write this public letter, something your scared closeted self will never have imagined.
Every little moment like this in everyday life will form happiness and that happiness will give you a positive energy in everything you do.
Believe me, you will one day, become proud of yourself like never before.
Read other letters from Thais here:
Art Chaturongkul – Letter To My Closet
V-Rasak Pitaktrairong – Letter To My Closet
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1 comments on “Por Surayot – Letter To My Closet”
Very well written. No matter of who you are and whoever judged you in the past old days. Be sure that family always being proud of you.
Also reads others letter as well. I think all of them feeling released and having happy life just after accepting the truth in themselves. Follow your heart. Life is too short to please others and keeps hurting yourself.
Cheers to all !!