Confession: I’m Hooked Onto Chemsex And I Don’t Know How To Stop

chemsex
Source

Dear Gay People,

I’m so hooked onto chemsex that I can no longer get off on regular sex.

It all started a couple of years ago. I was feeling horny and decided to get on Grindr in the hopes of finding someone to relieve me of my raging hormones. Not long after, I got lucky and was soon making my way to his house.

What was supposed to be just a routine Grindr hook-up turned into one of the most life-changing experiences that I ever had.

grindr-chemsex
Source

When I arrived at his place, the first thought that creeped into my mind when I met *Jason was that I was actually scared that he would slam the door in my face.

Jason was absolutely gorgeous. He was handsome with a sharp jawline and possessed the kind of body that belonged on covers of fitness magazines. Judging from the fact that he  spoke eloquently and was staying in a condo, he was probably rich as well. Jason was in other words, the kind of sugar daddy young gay men like myself have always dreamed of.

Thankfully, Jason wasn’t turned off by my lanky frame. We had a nice chat on his bed first before he leaned in to kiss me. Soon, our shirts were off and we started making out. It was then that he asked me whether I’ve tried chemsex before.

Back then, I was aware of what chemsex was but never had any interest to try it out. But I was eager to please Jason and so I told him I was keen to experiment. That was my first experience with drug fuelled sex and it was the best sex I ever had.

chem-sex-droplet

I found out afterwards that Jason already had a boyfriend but it didn’t really matter to me, I continued to hook-up with him whenever there was an opportunity. Every session was a hedonistic drug-fuelled experience and he started to introduce me to more hardcore drugs as time went by.

At first, I only had chemsex with Jason and would stick to vanilla sex with my other flings. But soon, regular sex became too boring for me and I started to indulge in chemsex with other men too.

It eventually got to a point where the only sex I had was chemsex.

chemsex-drugs
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Although I no longer have regular sex, I’ve never really seen my chemsex habits as a problem.

I am in no way a drug addict and am very much a normal and functional human being. I hold a regular 9-5 job and my sex life has never posed a problem to my normal life. I am still very clear on where my priorities should be and I generally only have sex around 3 to 4 times a month. Nobody in my social circle would ever guess that I take drugs.

The wake up call for me was when I read about the recent drug scandal of Dr Stuart Koe – founder of Asia’s largest LGBT portal Fridae.

dr-stuart-koe-icm
Dr Stuart Koe (Source)

I had no idea who Stuart Koe was but his case really piqued my interest.

After doing some online digging, it became apparent that not only was Stuart Koe rich and successful, he was famous and well-respected within the gay community too. To see how drugs managed to bring down such a respected and handsome man really struck me for some reason.

I started reading other horror stories of chemsex addicts whose lives have completely spiralled out of control and I started to fear that my life would head down a similar route if I don’t put a stop to it.

ghb-chemsex
Source

The reason why I’m sharing my story is because I hope that someone out there can advise me on what support there is for people like me.

As a closeted gay man, I cannot turn to my family or friends for help. Whatever gay friends I have now are pretty much just my sex buddies who are all into chemsex themselves. I also don’t want to access public healthcare as I am scared that it will leave a record of me as being a drug user.

So in conclusion, I would greatly appreciate it if you can all advise me on whether any of the Singaporean LGBT community groups can provide me with non-judgemental support and what options I have.

Hope to hear from you all soon!

shadow-gay-sex

*Names have been changed.

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Edits to parts of the submission not affecting the story have been made.

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3 comments

  1. Dear anonymous,

    Thank you for sharing this narrative with all of us. I think that it takes a great deal of courage to acknowledge our fears, and that it was very brave of you to pen this confession to ask for support. From this confession, I gather that you would like to make LGBT friends outside of your sex buddies, and to find a group which can provide non-judgmental support.

    First, this Pink Dot website provides a comprehensive list of LGBT and LGBT-friendly community groups in Singapore: http://pinkdot.sg/community-groups-2015/. On a personal level, I have participated in some of these gatherings, and made good friends there.

    Second, Oogachaga is a local counselling group for LGBT individuals. You can locate their website here: http://oogachaga.com/. I have participated in a few of their events, and one of my friends has benefited tremendously from the counselling sessions there.

    There are a number of LGBT communities in Singapore. From the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the best, and would like you to know that you are not alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear friend,

    Your story touched me because admitting that you need help is the first major step towards recovery. With help you will overcome this dependency.

    There are resources available in Singapore, in addition to the already mentioned resources, there is confidential help through http://www.freecomchurch.org/ (non-commercial) who have extensive experience with couseling gay people that want to overcome their substance dependency, or https://www.thecabinsingapore.com.sg/ (commercial), also read their post https://www.thecabinsingapore.com.sg/why-meth-is-becoming-a-problem-in-singapore/ and their helpful info sheets https://www.thecabinsingapore.com.sg/credentials/#panel17963964784.

    When you find help, allow yourself time to open up and keep in mind it is vital you open up and be totally honest to yourself and to those who offer help. Also have patience with yourself, allow yourself time to heal.

    I sincerely hope you will find gay friends for support. You can always reach out to me by replying to this post.

    Best wishes from a gay friend.

    Liked by 1 person

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