How are you doing? You must have lost yourself, huh? Being overwhelmed by the mixed feelings about yourself: guilt, shame, fear, anger, and disgust. And you wonder why you are different from other boys you know. Even though you are trying really hard every single day to hide your interest and expressions, but your biggest fears still get to you. You think what you are doing tend to be a bit “sissy”, and your friend will make fun of you or even worse, your family will cut ties with you. I know what you are going through can be scary, but trust me, it may seem hopeless now but you can handle it well and your life ahead of you will be much better than it is now.
Do you remember how you felt when you saw an attractive guy at the shopping mall? Or how you were being more inclined to fashion while all your male friends were busy playing sports or video games? But you were afraid that people find out you’re not normal, or maybe a weirdo, so you forced yourself to pick up a girl, so you would look like any other straight male. But deep inside, you know you feel nothing. Not when she kisses or hugs you, it was merely just for show. But it would not have lasted and eventually you guys would have broken up within 1 month because she said you are too emotional. Listen, the façade of hiding who you truly are will only hurt you even more. It doesn’t matter how many times you tried being the “boys”, the “Jock”, or that playboy that gets all the girls. In reality, you are actually humiliating yourself simply because you are not being yourself.
When it came to your friends, most of them already knew. You did not need to speak out loud to say “I prefer to date a boy” to everyone, people found out eventually. But you must acknowledge that this might not be acceptable to everyone as there are homophobes everywhere.
There will be cases where they feel embarrassed being your friend because of who you are. But that’s okay, people who genuinely love you are not going to give up on you because of your sexual orientation. Do not be discouraged because at the end of the day you will find out that they are not going to stop being your friend. In fact, they will love your even more when you finally be comfortable being your whole self around them. Those who love you for you will stay, and for those who don’t, let them go.
Everyone has the right to have an opinion but that’s out of your control. Do not be afraid of losing people or lose yourself for the sake of social acceptance. Remember that you do not live to please anyone but yourself.
I am sorry I was not there by your side, when you felt more alone than anyone, or when your world came crashing down and you felt like it was the end. But I can tell you that once you get to where I am now, you will gain so much confidence. You would know damn right who you are, and you are proud. You are going to have bunch of friends who accept you and love you. Plus, you might have gotten yourself a real man that loves you and cares for you as well! (wink). I cannot change from the past, but maybe, just maybe writing this letter as a reminder to you or myself: You are not freak, you are not wrong, you are not dirty.
Believe me when I say, you are just a rare diamond in the rough and with a little polishing, one day you will shine.
Read other letters from gay men here:
Stanley Poh – Letter To My Closet
Huy Pham – Letter To My Closet
Thach ‘Tak’ Nguyen – Letter To My Closet
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