Dear Closeted Me, 

Years from now, you’ll be the best man that you can be, but now you’re struggling, and you can’t see past that – you didn’t even know people like you existed. You didn’t know that transgender people exist. You’re not sure how much longer you can take the beating. No one understood. You hid the truth from yourself and others – that you’re transgender.

So much internalized transphobia and self hatred and for what? Because you tried to conform to society? Because your parents ‘knew’ what’s best for you?

You spent the money you could’ve saved for HRT and SRS on materialistic and recreational things all to fill the empty void that is your heart. It was stone cold, you didn’t want love; all these years you spent pushing back against everything that you’ve grown numb to the pain you’re going through.

So many days of pure angst and so much hatred for the world surrounding you, you’re not crazy, you’re misunderstood. So much time wasted and too much mental energy wasted, you have so much potential, people have been trying to tell you that- but you didn’t accept it, all because you hid your real self from others. 

When you were young you thought the other idea of being transgender was a joke, only if you knew that that’s what hurting you, your own blindness to the obvious. And when you first encountered homophobia for the first time in the church you attended, you started to ask yourself: 

“Am I normal? Does God hate me?” 

Truth is, no, he loves you. He loves you so much in ways that I cannot put into words. He knows you have the strength to get through this so he gave you this challenge. Know this: 

“People fear what they don’t and can’t understand.” 

Now, after all the chaos you went through, you came out. You came out to your peers, your friends, and your conservative family.

Well I wouldn’t sugarcoat it – your parents still have a hard time accepting the truth, but know this; that you transition for yourself and yourself alone. This was and still is the best choice you would’ve ever made in your whole life.

Yes, it is a big decision, but the outcome out of it? Pure. Bliss. You now have the ability to look at yourself, your whole self without cringing or hating what you see in the mirror. Now, you’re better, you’re a new person. And you deserve a cheer for being so strong. 

Over the years you learn that people are narrow minded, but that is okay, sometimes you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Likewise, people can change. And even if they don’t, their words shouldn’t affect you, since you went through so much to even get here in the first place. 

But, the important thing is this: you have accepted who you are, and you even feel proud. 

For now, just hold on, try to see the bigger picture. 

Read other letters from Singaporeans here:

Sarah Goh – Letter To My Closet

Joyce Ng – Letter To My Closet

Stanley Poh – Letter To My Closet

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