Dear Straight People,
Every time I come out to one of you, I always get asked whether I am a top or bottom.
Usually, the conversation goes something like this:
Once the full realisation of the fact that I am gay starts to sink in, suddenly a sudden surge of curiosity consumes the friend in question and I find myself being bombarded with a million different questions.
‘Omg when did you first find out you were gay?’
‘Do you have a boyfriend?’
‘Can you bring me to a gay club?’
‘Are you a top or a bottom? You look like a top! Wait… actually you might be a bottom! Omg I don’t know! Tell me now!!!’
I mean, I get it, I really do. When a gay person comes out to you and shares with you a piece of information that is very private and very intimate by nature, suddenly it’s like a barrier between you two has broken down and you feel like you can ask them anything you want. For many straight people, the gay world is a very fascinating place, kind of like Narnia. To suddenly be confronted with the fact that someone close to you is from that world is a very exciting thing. Naturally, curiosity gets the better of you and for some inexplicable reason, straight people always want to know whether I am a top or bottom. In fact, only one straight person that I’ve come out to so far has refrained from asking me that very personal question.
While I can understand where your curiosity is coming from, there are still certain boundaries that straight people need to observe. A gay man’s preferred role in bed is a very personal matter and not something we generally like to disclose. Asking a gay man whether he is a top or a bottom is kind of like asking a straight man what his favourite sexual position is. It is both intrusive, and frankly, mildly offensive. Just because a gay friend comes out to you does not give you the license to ask them anything you want.
If a gay man does not mind sharing information of this nature with you, he will probably tell you regardless of whether you ask him or not. If he doesn’t say anything about it, then it probably means he is uncomfortable about sharing such private information with you. So don’t keep pestering him for information which frankly, is none of your business.
So really straight people, please stop asking your gay friends whether they are a top or bottom!
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