Dear Gay Men,
Judging from many of your Grindr profiles, the demand for ‘straight-acting’ men doesn’t seem to be wavering anytime soon. Since gay men are so obsessed with achieving heterosexual masculinity, this guide will provide you with everything you need to know about becoming a truly straight-acting male!
Step 1: Get a beer belly!
In the heterosexual world, washboard abs have gone out of favour. In its place instead is the ‘Dad bod’. This latest trend for the heterosexual male physique was started by a viral blog post written by American student Mackenzie Pearson, who defines a ‘Dad Bod’ as ‘a nice balance between a beer gut and working out’.
So gay men, if you truly want to appear straight-acting, it is time to hit the bars and drink yourselves silly every night in order to attain that coveted beer belly. Women no longer crave a sculpted physique so unless you achieve the physique of Leonardo DiCaprio as shown above, you are not going to pass off as a straight man!
Step 2: Start shaking hands
You need to master the art of handshaking if you truly want to pass yourself off as a straight dude.
I know you’re probably used to greeting your friends with a hug but that is one habit that you really need to drop! You see, straight men generally don’t hug each other unless they are severely drunk so you need to get used to the idea of greeting other people with a firm handshake rather than an affectionate hug. Try not to shake another person’s hand for too long though or else its going to get really awkward for the both of you.
Step 3: Dress like a straight man
In order to become truly straight-acting, not only do you need to look and behave like a straight guy, you also need to start dressing like them.
The Malaysian Education Minister published a guide to identifying gay men in 2012, which lists certain clothing items as being symptoms of homosexuality. So if your wardrobe contains items like V-necks, singlets and any other clothing items that are tight or light-coloured, it’s time to throw them out. Oh and that big handbag that you like to put all your things into? That needs to go into the bin too.
Throwing out all of your favourite clothes does seem like a high price to pay to be straight-acting but don’t worry, how people perceive you should definitely take priority.
Step 4: Speak like a straight man
The 4th step of this comprehensive guide to becoming a straight-acting man requires you to pick up the vocabulary of a typical heterosexual male. You need to start saying straight things like ‘Bro’ and ‘No homo’. So the next time you make out with another guy, just remember to say ‘no homo’ when you’re done in order to protect your heterosexual image.
Step 5: The final step to being truly straight-acting is to….
Ok that’s it, I can’t continue with this satirical post anymore.
You are a gay man. A GAY man. No amount of beer and handshaking is going to turn you into a straight dude. Gay men need to stop glorifying heterosexual masculinity and start being proud of their gayness. To proclaim yourself as ‘straight-acting’ doesn’t just sound ridiculously silly, it points to deeper insecurities that you’re obviously still struggling with.
Life is short so don’t waste it trying to pass yourself off as someone else. Instead, be proud of yourself and unleash your natural gay self!
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