Dear Straight People,
I’ve never met somebody who cared enough about me to cry their heart out for me before. Literally, no one. And to some extent, I wished someone would.
Little did I know that when the day arrived that someone did indeed bawl their eyes out for me, I wished they didn’t.
The Day Of Reckoning
It was a Monday night. I never actually planned to confront my granny about my sexuality. But I knew I had to come out to her. My granny always wanted me to have the best – have my own family and bring a baby back for her to look after. So I didn’t know what her reaction would be. She would either be really hurt and angry or be really supportive and accepting.
From what I’ve seen, people come out to their families as soon as they realise that they’re gay. I, on the other hand, struggled to do so and was very confused with myself. I think I was always waiting for the ‘right time’ to tell them that I’m into guys, not girls.
The Moment Of Truth
So, there I was in the living room with my nanny, her husband and one of her daughters. There were moments of silence when I could have blurted it out but I didn’t. I couldn’t.
I was too afraid of doing so.
But I knew that it had to be done. I plucked up all of my courage and told my granny that there was something I needed to tell her privately. She followed me into her room.
Granny: What is it? You have a girlfriend already?
Granny: You want money? Is everything okay over at your dad’s place? You want to move back here?
Darien: Everything is fine… *sighs
My heart was beating so fast it was as if I killed someone.
Granny: So.. what?
Darien: I like guys, I’m gay.
She was stunned. She just stood there staring blankly at me. I knew it was going to be hard for her to accept it and she seemed like she was about to lose it. I started crying. I’m sure it was a lot for her to take in but she was just standing there quietly, not saying a word.
She finally answered, “Do you need me to bring you to do the doctors?”
My heart just shattered into pieces. I explained that homosexuality isn’t a sickness and my sexuality can’t be cured. I guess the hardest thing for her to comprehend was why I’d want to go home with a man when I could have a woman instead. I tried showing her my perspective but she couldn’t get it. And, I don’t blame her for it. It’s not her fault for responding in that manner.
She suggested I go to the hospital for a check up on what’s wrong with my body. I said, “There’s absolutely nothing wrong. I’m just into guys, not girls. I’m gay, but I’m not the feminine type nor do I dress up like a female. Don’t worry about it.” By confronting her, I wasn’t expecting her to accept it on the day itself because that would be impossible. She wants me to go back to dating girls so I would know for sure if I could turn straight. I told her I couldn’t. I mentioned how my life is mine alone and that it is my responsibility to live it.
She started crying her heart out and the first thing she did was pull me into her arms, telling me she loves me that she only wants the best for me. I was afraid. I felt as if she was going to lose her breath. She kept asking why I didn’t want girls.
But what hurt me the most was her blaming herself for who I am, that she wished she loved me more when I was younger. She knows that among my siblings, I was the one most lacking of love and attention. She explained how she regrets caning me, locking me in the toilet whenever I did something wrong. But, I never blamed her for any of it. I was only hurt, but I told myself to learn from it. To make myself a better and stronger person.
I was already so devastated that I didn’t know what else to say. I called my sister for help because I know my granny listens to her. With my sister’s help, she was able to slowly accept the fact that I’m gay. Not fully, but I told her to take her time to come to terms with it. She wants me to be happy and let go of what has happened in the past. I gave her a warm hug, and she started crying again. I told her, “I’m still myself, and I’ll always be here for you.”
I will always love my granny
I told her I loved her – she’s one of the most important people in my life. She told me she was concerned about my safety, and that she didn’t want to see me get bullied. I assured her that I won’t. Furthermore, I don’t see my sexuality as something that makes me weak and any different from people. In fact, I’ve learnt to embrace it.
In retrospect, I feel so much better now that she knows, that I’ve completely come clean with her. There’s nothing left to hide (except for my parents minor lol) and whatever guilt I once felt is now gone for the most part.
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