Dear Straight People,
If you were to ever meet me in person, you would never suspect me of being gay.
My name is *Alan and I’m 30 this year, holding a well-paying job in finance. On the surface, I seem like your typical straight Singaporean, having been married to my high school sweetheart *Janice for the last 2 years. But lately, I’ve been seriously questioning my sexuality.
Growing up, I’ve had a few mild crushes on some of my older male seniors but I’ve always attributed that to being a part of puberty and never really gave it much thought.
During my second year of junior college, I met Janice who was one year my junior and who was in the same CCA as me. Sparks flew between us and before long, we started dating steadily and she became my first and only girlfriend.
For the next 10 years, we enjoyed a stable and happy relationship and became the envy of many others who often remarked that we were a ‘perfect couple’ seeing as our love remained strong while many of our friends were breaking up left right and centre.
On our 10th anniversary during an overseas trip together, I proposed to her and she tearfully said yes.
The first year of our marriage was wonderful. But everything changed when I met *Andy at the start of this year…
Along Came Andy
Andy was a new transfer at my company and I felt myself being drawn to him in a way that I’ve never felt drawn to anybody else before.
He was handsome, intelligent, fit, capable and one of the most charismatic people that I’ve ever met in my life. I found myself inadvertently creating opportunities to spend more time with him and soon our bromance blossomed and we would regularly hang out together after work.
When he eventually came out to me, I was beyond shocked. I don’t know much gay people and I was always under the impression that all gay men were feminine in nature but Andy wasn’t feminine in any way. When I managed to finally regain my composure, I assured him that nothing changed and we would still be bros.
But over the next few weeks, I started to fantasise about Andy sexually. As much as I tried to push the dirty thoughts out of my head, I couldn’t do it. Eventually I gave up and decided to make a move on him as I wanted to get it out of my system.
So one Friday night after work, we went out drinking together and I intentionally ordered more drinks than usual for the both of us. I started flirting with him and one thing led to another and by the end of the night, we found ourselves checking into a hotel where he gave me the best blowjob I ever had.
Unfortunately, what I originally intentioned to be a one-night stand to flush the homosexual urges out of my system ballooned into a full-blown affair. At first, I attributed it to just mere curiosity as I explored every type and variation of gay sex with him. I told myself that when I finally got bored with him sexually, our affair would end and life would return to normal.
But I never got bored with Andy. I actually enjoy his company a lot more than my own wife. He was like the soulmate I never had. With Andy, I could talk to him about absolutely anything and everything under the Sun. He complimented me in every way possible and I fell in love with Andy in a way that I’ve never loved Janice before.
It’s almost like Andy awakened the suppressed gay side of me. I find myself gravitating towards gay porn nowadays and I would check out men a lot more than women.
What Should I Do?
All my life, I’ve always been someone who was clear about what he wanted in life. But now, I’m completely lost as to what I should do.
On one hand, I’m consumed by guilt over my affair with Andy. I still love Janice. She’s been such a huge part of my life I would always have feelings for her in some form or another. She’s been such a great wife to me and she really doesn’t deserve this. But I find myself losing interest in her and I think that she’s starting to get suspicious.
I love Andy but I know that our relationship is dragging him down as well. He’s met Janice a few times and also feels guilty over our affair but he confessed to me that he loves me so much that he isn’t able to leave me. Frankly, I too can’t bear to end my relationship with him.
I find myself reading some of the loving gay couple stories here and I get filled with envy wishing that Andy and me could have this life together too. But I’m afraid of coming out as bi, or gay or whatever not just to Janice but to my family as well.
I mean, how do you tell your wife and family that you’re in love with another man?
*Names have been changed.
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Edits to parts of the submission not affecting the story have been made.
6 comments on “Confession: I’m Married To A Woman… But I Think I Might Be Gay”
You may be bisexual or gay, and it seems that for the most part, you’ve seemed to come to terms with it.
But that’s not really the issue here. Would it really be much simpler if you were in love with another woman, instead of a man? The “love you’ve never felt before” and guilt is very typical of the generic heterosexual affair. With that similarity comes all the possible dangers that the thrill of the relationship may partly come from it being “impossible” or that what you feel is more parts sexual passion and less sustainable love and commitment. People don’t cheat because it makes us feel normal. Of course, it’s exhilarating.
Being so long with Janice, your relationship may have moved on from sexual passion towards a kind of mutual undertanding and support that are typical of lifetime relationships. This is rarely as exciting, but it usually is more enduring.
Nobody can advise you what to do and what I’ve said may not apply in your specific situation but these are some things to consider. If you have already decided to leave Janice and be with Andy, I’m afraid there is no way out that is any less messy, like most heterosexual affairs. You can only try to be as understanding as you would like to be understood.
I am not sure how to get in contact with you… i am very discreet myself and i too see myself as straight but have “inclination” towards guys. I have done a lot of self reflecion and deep questioning which may help you…
Marriage is an important vow, don’t make a wrong judgement and hurt everyone. Don’t rush into making a decision.
Hope we could chat more but not sure how.
Any chamce of hearing from you?
If your wife is half as lovely as you describe then you should tell her. She deserves someone honest that’s truly crazy about her, and you are neither of those things.
Yes, coming out will be incredibly difficult and painful, but postponing it will be much much worse for everyone.
Sounds like you’ve met a lovely guy, congratulations and I really hope you find happiness.
Thank you for choosing to be so vulnerable and open in your sharing.
The last comment resonated with me when I read “if your wife is half as lovely as you describe, then you should tell her”. No, there isn’t an easy way to do this at all.
However! From my limited knowledge of your relationship with Janice and all the ways she’s known you and been around with you.. Maybe she is and can be the person you go to as you journey into this possibility of coming out at all.
I know I’m choosing to be pedantic here and maybe temporarily evading the bits that add to a guilt that is in no way helpful or sustainable, but here’s my two cents:
One could possibly try separating the two issues. The affair (which could just as much be a heterosexual one or a homosexual one- like someone’s mentioned) and, at the same time,
This having your “suppressed gayness awakened” as you put it. (Which sometimes truly does feel like that hey?)
Let’s start with small baby steps..
The affair aside,
Do you perhaps think you could embark on a conversation with Janice about this newly awakened part of you that you cannot quell?
If she has known you as long as she has and you two have been through enough, I think your relationship with her is strong enough to perhaps begin talking about this part of you, non-anonymously.
And yes, it might be painful and hard for Janice to deal with… But it also allows her the chance to begin to start grieving and healing. And yet also perhaps draw on the knowing that, truly, it really isn’t her. That she cannot help the gender that she is any more than you cannot help the gender you’re attracted to.
In the same way you non-anonymously begin to come out and choose to do this with -her- support, she can (or at least you’re giving her the option) draw on you for support as she begins to grieve the end of this part of your relationship.
(Which doesn’t mean this needs to end in divorce or anything!)
I guess what I’m suggesting is the opportunity for you both to deliberately choose to seek each other’s counsel and support, which to me, is ultimately what a marriage is about.
Perhaps through that you will both begin to learn more about yourselves and each other, which in turn might just equip you better to then deal with the
“Well, what happens next?” Part.
(I’m just playing devil’s advocate here)
– does marriage have to include sexual intimacy to you both?
– could there be a possibility of an open relationship?
– do you even want an open relationship?
– where do you think this goes in the long run, for all parties involved?
I left my best friend and boyfriend for the woman that some part of me knew without a doubt, I’d want to spend my life with.
But choosing to talk about it with my best friend (and in that, realizing that meant we would be splitting up) was the hardest and yet most supportive situation we both ended up in. It’s taken years, admittedly. In the seven that I’ve been with my now-fiancée, some conversations with him have been more painful/ more honest/ more ridiculous; all of which has been part of our healing process.
I think all of us deserve to love and be loved and understood,
As much as I’d like for you to be happy in the end, I also believe that Janice deserves to have this man she has loved for so long and given so much of herself to, now choose to love her enough to be honest and just as much the source of support she needs.
And because you both, after all, did vow to look after each other- this counts too.
Truly, I wish you both all the best.
I’m just got out of a serious relationship with a girl with an awesome sex life we experimented with our fantasies She Love’s to watch gay porn so I use to make love to her while watching two hot men have sex it really turned me on and out, long story short I went from her using a DILDO on me to Me buying dozens of 10 to 12 inch real FEELING ones and masterbate While she was at work and using the DILDO on myself imagining her being used like a sex slave By BLACK Guys and hoping she would come home and let me enjoy there loads she took up Inside of her with my tongue, well now I am seeing a girl and While she is AWAY I’ve gotten hooked on the real man meat and it is amazing I love hot strong men to use me like a girl but I like to be the strong man that pleases a women, Honestly tho I just want MMF Action and I honestly don’t know what to do