What To Do When You Suspect That Your Friend Is Gay

By Dear Straight People in Coming Out, Dear Straight People, Gay, gaydar, Lesbian, LGBT Issues on August 24, 2015August 23, 2015

Dear Straight People,

Does one of your friends make your gaydar go off? Do you ever get the feeling that he or she is keeping a very big secret from you? If yes, then you really need to continue reading this article. If no, you should read it anyway because chances are, you will find yourself in a similar situation like this eventually.

Straight people never quite know what to do when they suspect that their friend is gay. Usually, they just turn a blind eye to the situation because they have no idea how else to react. Rather than confronting him or her about their sexuality, acting oblivious seems like a much more safer choice. This way, you get to keep your friend and not have to deal with an aspect of their identity that might make you uncomfortable.

The thing about choosing the safer path is that there will always be that invisible barrier between the two of you. You will always be afraid to pry too deep into their private life. You will always get cynical when your ‘gay’ friend says something straight.

So while there is no correct way to deal with these kind of situations, in my opinion, it is always best to just ask them directly. Yes, the solution to this problem is really that simple. If you want to find out something, all you need to do is ask. Instead of gossiping about your friend behind their back, asking them directly will put all your doubts to rest.

But if you want to get an honest answer, the way you deliver your question is just as important as the question itself. The fear of rejection is arguably the biggest obstacle stopping people from coming out of their closet. So try to reassure them that you will accept them no matter what gender they prefer. Doing so will help to put their mind at ease.

Also, don’t ever ask them about their sexuality when you are among a group of friends. Doing so will put them in a spotlight that might make them uncomfortable and therefore, make them more likely to evade the issue. They might lie to you simply because they are uncomfortable with certain people in that group knowing their secret. So if you want an honest answer, it is best that you ask them when you’re both alone.

If you do ask them and they tell you that they are straight, accept it. Regardless of how sceptical you are over their answer, accept their answer anyway. There is nothing more annoying than a friend who keeps pestering them about their sexuality. Maybe your gaydar just isn’t as accurate as you thought it was.

If however, you are absolutely convinced that they are lying to you, try to understand that they have every right to choose who they want to come out to. The fact that they haven’t come out to you yet means that there is still something holding them back. Maybe they are afraid you can’t keep a secret. Maybe they are still confused over their own sexuality. Maybe you just caught them at the wrong time. Maybe they just aren’t ready to come out to you yet. Regardless of their reason, accept their answer and move on.

Who knows… one day when they’re ready, they might just come out to you of their own accord.