Dear Straight People,

I am a divorcee who lost my partner after she decided to come out.

It took me some time. But I was finally able to forgive my (ex)-wife for leaving me to be with her partner.

How We First Met & Got Married

We met each other 20 years ago.

Getting together was easy. She needed someone whom she could depend on; I needed someone to call my own. It was during a time when we both had nothing. It was us against the world.

Not long afterwards, we decided to move on to the next stage of our life together. We got married with the blessing of our family members. The wedding was a simple affair. Simple, but lovely nonetheless. 

I can say that for the first 10 years of our marriage, much of the time was spent building up my own career. I was focused on creating stability in our lives.

Nothing overly exciting or dramatic happened during the course of our marriage. We were like any typical boring old couple in Singapore. So that’s probably why I envisioned us growing old together. I was happy but looking back, she probably wasn’t.

How My Wife Met Her Partner

She’s an introvert by nature and sometimes, her way of thinking does get to me.

Eventually, I encouraged her to expand her social circle and learn to open up in the hopes of getting her to broaden her view of things. I encouraged her to speak to others with common interests via social media groups.

She started mixing around with a group of friends who shared the same interest as her. Soon, she was introduced to this particular friend who hit it off with her almost instantly. I started raising concerns after hearing stories about them but my wife always assured me that nothing was wrong.

My partner soon became very busy with her new best friend. She even started doing activities with this new friend that she previously did not want to do with me. I should have known something wasn’t right but I chose to believe that she knows what she is doing. That said, she did encourage me to join her in these activities to avoid feeling left out from her busy schedule. 

Leaving Me To Be With Her Partner

Finally, a close friend of ours broke the news to me.

I’ve long suspected that it might happen but it was still shocking and heartbreaking to be the one being forced out. When I first knew of her intention to leave this marriage to restart her life with her new partner, my heart was filled with hatred and disgust.

It was even more shocking when I learnt that she had everything planned for months. She had already contacted the lawyers. Her siblings started to communicate less with me. We started to hang out less frequently too. 

Confrontation was useless. She chose to keep quiet, instead blaming the issues on us losing the spark in our marriage. Soon, it became clear that no matter how much I tried to save the marriage, it was best for both parties to call it quits.   

I struggled a lot with the truth for months. Deep inside me, I knew any marriage was bound to fail without communication. But for me at least, I would much rather lose her to a ‘him’ than to a ‘her’.

Finally Forgiving Her

Eventually, I learnt to accept that perhaps this is the best for her. The day I was able to forgive her was the day I finally got rid of the anger that used to consume me.

I learnt to let go of my strong ego and in doing so, I changed as a person. I am still as competitive in work, still as passionate about finding love as before. But I learnt to put down my pride and listen too. I have to thank her for teaching me the most valuable lesson that I needed to learn about the LGBT community; they are much braver than I could have thought. 

Like everyone on this planet, we all deserve love, care, attention and most importantly, acceptance. She was brave enough to quit this stable but otherwise unfulfilling marriage (I guess so) and in the process, throw herself back out to the workplace after 10 comfortable years away from it. 

In retrospect, she was a good wife/ partner/ friend to me all the way from our dating days to our marriage. While I was happy, she probably wasn’t. At the end of it all, I do just want her to be happy. And I am glad she is happier now even if it means me losing this marriage.

Does it really matter what gender she chooses to be with as long as she is happy? 

We Can’t Change Who We Are

The biggest takeaway I learnt from this episode was that open communication is really important. No topic should be taboo between a couple. My ex-wife obviously didn’t feel comfortable enough in our relationship to share her deepest thoughts with me. But I hope that by sharing my experience here, others will benefit from my story.

So remember to open up. There will be tears, there will be anger too. There will be screaming. But there will also be peace and acceptance once it is over. Never let it be a regret not to talk about it.

It was a release for her. It was a release for me too. We can’t escape who we truly are.

Note: Edits to parts of the submission not affecting the story have been made.

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